Hark! It’s a shitty day. My feels, let me show you…
My future seems to be slowly dripping away from me. Grad school rejection after grad school rejection. It does not feel as catastrophic now; just feeling kinda numb. Bleh.
Been thinking a lot about how I don’t really have a biological family. They don’t really want to accept me and I don’t really have the energy to talk to them again. It’s been a few months since I last even tried.
The little bit I have to do to keep myself busy, without any stable employment, is not going too well. I feel like I screwed up with this freelance gig and made a bad first impression. My volunteer work is kinda hectic right now.
And I keep telling myself I have people, but do I? I still feel alone even in a crowd of people. I just want to be held by someone tonight and feel a connection. Sadly no one is around that would be interested, even platonically.
Scratch that. Plantonically is actually exactly what I want right now. Just to be cared for without anything else mucking it up. Now I just feel like I’m doing a shitty self-pity routine. Anyways…
The best I can do is distract myself. Drink. I’m scared where that crutch will lead me if I lean to hard on it. I’ve seen where that leads. I’m purposely not keeping alcohol or anything in the house.
*sigh* Now I’m just rambling. I guess I’ll just veg out on the tubes and the tele.
